Feb 21, 2006

Love story, write me a love story., but happily ever after never existed in the first place. What a cruel invention to sew into the minds of children it was. To fabricate flights of fancy about princes and paupers living happily forever? Preposterous. Why is it that no story ever mentioned the Morning After?

They never tell you the honest to God Truth - most likely Love will skip you over. Isn't it that way? I have not seen, to date, one married couple that was truly happy or in love. Except maybe one, but they didn't even know enough about Love to teach it to their children - and then what's the point in that?

Yet how can this be? Unless Love is not the Be-All, End-All that it is made out to be, then there must be True Love out there somewhere. Real Pure Palpable Love. Or perhaps they lied to us. Told us this beautiful tale about something so perfect, that it was too good to be true. Why? Because the truth is Ugly. Life is empty suffering that will one day end.

All Life is Suffering. How True this statement rings to my ears - for once there is a part of my heart that wholly agrees.

Yes. Life is suffering, how could you believe otherwise? Look at the way things are? Given everything, and still heart-broken. Given nothing, and unable to feel anything. Given something, and too stupid to See it. What fools we mold ourselves to be; blind liars who are completely incapable of feeling a simple silence.

Still, something in my heart rebels against this simple truth. It reacts violently, screaming that these simple statements are not Truth at all, but noxious venoms that must be removed from one's soul. It cries out for God, and all the Angels to come to its aid, and prove that there is purpose and hope in life. Simply because there are beautiful things, so many wonderful things in this world, can that not be proof enough of God? And if God is Love, then do those miracles not just prove God, but Love as well?

If Love is real, if it is as tangible as a Rose petal, or a Silver Ring, then there is something awe-inspiring worth living for. It is worth more than just living for. It is worth aspiring to - to have, and to become.

Posted at 08:51 pm by Frau_Sparrow
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Jan 8, 2006
This is For Me

You see, you see
It's not so lonely here

You know, you know
I just want to hold you near

Can't you feel, feel this fire
Don't you know, know my ire

You're either sincerely blind, or scathingly farsighted. I won't ask you to rip my heart out because I want it back. I want the last piece of it out from your pocket; who are you to treat treasure so casually? Either ignorant of its value, or irreverant of it, in either case the rightful owner is come to judge your worthiness; and she finds you wanting.

Are there some things given that can never been retrieved? Some things broken that can never be mended? But I'd rather go through life with a scar on my heart than an open wound.

Posted at 10:56 pm by Frau_Sparrow
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Nov 17, 2005
My Own List

(Directed at multiple "You's")

1. Feel free to get struck by lightning for being so fucking insecure, and yet still the world's most egotistical asshole.

2. Feel free to get crushed under a piano for not understanding how much pain that simple thing dredges up from my past

3. Feel free to sucked dry by a leech for being such a big one yourself

4. Feel free to drop dead for all the times you looked into my eyes and all the times you wouldn't

5. Feel free to get run over by large moving objects for being fucking anal about something so small

6. Feel free to go die for all the times you made me feel ugly/insignificant/alone/stupid/broken

7. Feel free to go and die for all the times you made me feel beautiful/amazing/intelligent/safe/free, and then took that away

8. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for having the gall to be ashamed of yourself

9. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for unloading your problems on me

10. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for never accepting or loving me as my entire self

11. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for thinking that repeating the same thing over and over would always have the same effect

12. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for being such a spineless self absorbed rat

13. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for not fighting to hold on

14. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for repeating the same mistakes

15. Fuck you Both. Fuck you Both. Fuck you Both for trying to make me choose

16. Fuck you Both. Fuck you Both. Fuck you Both for never getting over yourselves/ being unable to let the little things go

17. I hate you for every time you let me down

18. I hate you for every time you crushed my voice

19. I hate you for never treating me as well as you would treat others

20. I hate you for never standing up for yourself

21. I hate you for expecting so much more than is necessary from me, but I hate you more for not even realizing it

22. Get bent for every time you wouldn't shut up

23. Get bent for every time I felt guilty because of you

24. Get bent for your lack of respect for me

25. Get bent for your lack of respect for yourself

26. Get bent for every insult you ever laid upon me

27. Get bent for every lie you ever told to impress me

28. Get bent for every fake compliment you paid me

29. Get bent for thinking you knew anything about me

30. Get bent for making me feel like I'm the "Poor Man's Version"

31. Get bent for your sheer stupidity

32. Go to hell for each time you looked down on me

33. Fuck you for not being trustworthy

34. Fuck you for always having to have the last word

35. Fuck you for judging me and others

36. Fuck you for never giving a straight answer

37. Fuck you for being a Coward.

38. Fuck you Plenty for not having the balls to face me

39. Fuck you Plenty for never tell me the whole Truth

40. Fuck you Plenty for Never following through

41. Fuck you for Lying to me. For lying about me. For telling me that you Lie

42. Fuck you for making every nice/charming thing you ever said into a pre-packaged, superficial way to sell your personality

43. Fuck you for being so damn good at selling yourself

44. Fuck you for setting me up to fall

45. Fuck you for knowing what you were doing/ not having any clue

46. Fuck you for meddling with my heart

47. Fuck you for not showing up on that day, and every other day that you should have but didn't

48. Fuck you for letting me feel this bad

49. Fuck you for forgetting who you are

50. Fuck you for making me lose sight of myself

51. Fuck you for abandoning her

52. Fuck you for being afraid to like her

53. Fuck you for being unable to forgive her

54. Fuck you for blaming me

55. Fuck you for making me culpable

56. Fuck you for never listening

57. Fuck you for trying to make me into a carbon copy of you

58. Fuck you for making me hate you

59. Fuck you for dominating my life

60. Fuck you for being unapproachable

61. Fuck you for having a closed mind

62. You're a Bastard for your arrogant swagger

63. You're a Bastard for your self-absorbed mood swings

64. You're a Bastard for your need to be impressive

Posted at 06:20 pm by Frau_Sparrow
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Nov 14, 2005
Can't you see the Irony in the End?

"All the World's a Stage, and all the men and women merely players" and if this be so, then who are you to tell me that I cannot change the nuances of the character that I portray? Who is to say that they can know the full facets of any personage aside from their own? Who better knows what you are, who you can be and what you can achieve than yourself?

I find that the greatest troubles in my life arise when I lose sight of my Identity. It is at times like these that a great call of yearning spreads from my marrow to my toes. A call for anything or anyone to come and define me; give me a shape and a form so that I might know how I am to interact with the world.  And yet, each person, who I ask to define me, as insightful as they can be, fails to know enough about the multiple faces I wear, and capabilities that I have.

It has grown recently; this plethora of traits and talents. I have grown into some more unbecoming abilities as I have become older. Among these is a penchant for manipulation through the guile of words; let me know you well enough and I can, often now, twist a situation around to suit my wishes and needs. What is worse is that I lose sight of why I must not do this....someone tell me.....

Posted at 11:18 pm by Frau_Sparrow
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Nov 12, 2005
Inhale Exhale

It's to the point that I don't have a clue where to start or where to end. It's to the point that I assume that I'm out of my mind. Except that I also assume (for the sake of attempting to retain my sanity) that in thinking I'm crazy, or acknowledging it, I must therefore be sane. How can you possibly fight against a paradox like that? The truthful red feet always tell the truth, and the lying green feet always tell lies, so what do you believe if someone says to you "I am a truthful red foot". Are they telling the truth or lying? More than that, it's impossible for someone to say "I am a lying green foot", but I feel like I am saying that.

By the way, I am going to tell you this, so that I don't think that I'm an alcoholic, and for no other reason, but I drank, in fact got myself to the point of probably being drunk, by myself at home tonight. I did it because I got on a roll expressing myself (in the form of "telling" someone the truth about everything, even though they weren't there to hear) and then started to feel like I couldn't express myself at all. I drank, because the alcohol seems to break my concrete walls of repression down. I did it because I wanted to say everything. And I did. I managed to talk about Megan, granted no one heard, but I at least said a portion of the truth. A large portion of the truth.

I'm still intoxicated. I'm trying really hard to type properly, and I keep making mistakes or leaving out words...I have no idea why I'm being as honest about all of this as I am being....maybe it's because I am never fully honest.

This is my confusion. I'm begging for someone to give me the answers, just so that I can know...but even Charlie Brown knew;

"In the book of Life, the Answers aren't in the back"

Posted at 12:20 am by Frau_Sparrow
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Nov 4, 2005
I'm going to leave tonight...

The words of comfort I'll tell myself shall be along the lines of "Tonight, you'll be living in a different city". And no matter how many nights I say that, and wake up still here the next morning, it always makes me feel better. I like the idea of taking charge, and doing something Fulfilling...

Why wait to live?
Why let him rule my heart?
Why hide the truth of who I am?
Why should I give myself over to standards set by false advertisements?
Why can life get away with being so cruel?
Why do I yearn to fall in love?

Posted at 12:10 am by Frau_Sparrow
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Oct 17, 2005
It's nice to Have Honesty

I am beginning to start feeling normal again. I think I can stop caring now; it's too late for a proper redemption now anyways. The feelings are gone; they were abused via neglect for too long to stick around now. Especially now; when I'm happy just having the friendship of others. My only problem is that I'm never the type to stay settled or stable long. Most likely I shall find new ways to fill my life with drama, without even intending to do so.

Posted at 10:23 pm by Frau_Sparrow
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Oct 15, 2005

Too much time inside of my head makes it difficult to interact with the real world. My limbs feel weak, and my face expresses nothing, but I am racing on the inside. I'm laughing silently, without even moving, I'm crying without sobbing...all of it is whirling under the surface, but nobody knows.

Posted at 04:55 pm by Frau_Sparrow
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Oct 14, 2005
I just need to Be Done.

I need to not care anymore...I think that once you stop being a stress in my life, then I'll probably stop being a stress in yours. But perhaps I'm not a stress in your life; perhaps I'm a nothing...not even noticed. Still, I need not to care about you...I do though I really do. I care I care I care.....

Posted at 06:08 pm by Frau_Sparrow
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Oct 12, 2005
I find Myself Troubled

It is less than pleasing to me to find that yet again, I am in this endless cycle of insomnia and lethargy. Perhaps it was not given to me to be born of a well-rested life? I have troubled thoughts recently; I saw something this past monday which I do not think I shall ever cleanse from my memory.

I was walking to my place with coquette, and we were almost there, until I heard an indistinct shout from behind us. I turned to see a rabbit, pursued by dogs, fleeing towards the busy road. My first reaction was that it must be someone's pet; that the shout I had heard was the rabbit's name, and that it had escaped from their house. I ran towards it because I thought I might be able to grab it, and prevent it getting hit by a car.  I was wrong. I was 10 feet away when one of its ears (and a portion of its brain probably) was run over by a car. The poor thing was terrified out of its wits, and it obviously had no idea what was happening to it. I saw a small amount of blood spurt out, but the creature was still alive, and hopped over to the side of the road, just out of the way of traffic. I wasn't sure if it had been fatally wounded or not, I thought that perhaps it might still live. It was hopping around in spasmatic circles, and by the time I reached it, the rabbit had fallen onto its side, still kicking its legs out in an instinctive, seemingly programmed way. All it achieved was to propell itself in a few circles around. I don't think I said anything out loud, but in my head I was screaming - Stop Moving! What do I do? I don't know how to fix this! Someone get someone who can fix this! When the rabbit finally stopped moving, I still somehow thought it may still be alive; I touched its side, and there was no breath, and no heart beat. Its one visible brown/tawny eye had dust on it; I knew it was dead.

I remember vividly, the colour of the blood on the road; how some of it appeared to be creamy rich crimson, and some of it was deep translucent red. The people who owned the dogs that had been chasing the rabbit saw what had happened, but they did not care. They laughed.

I do not comprehend; I do not understand
I could not Apprehend; All I could do was Stand
Has this any meaning; Is there any sign
The Time it took was fleeting; Is this for her life or mine

Posted at 11:16 pm by Frau_Sparrow
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